Full Circle

I got the opportunity to meet a blogger friend.  We live in the same town, I’ve read her blog for over a year and today I met her. (Thank you, C,  for taking your time to meet me today!)

And I realized a few things.

First, I have been lonely. I hadn’t realize how much I’ve missed talking to other women, especially ones who have traveled the journey I’m currently on.

Second, I need to become part of a community.  Bible Study, MOPS, I don’t know. Something though.  Otherwise I will not be a good mom and wife for too much longer.

Third, This blog world has taken me down so many wonderful trails of friendships and encouragement. Today was one of those days.  I am blessed to be part of something bigger while still having to stay in my small world of diapers, bottles, shuttling kids around and life.

All night.  Yes, bottle at 10 and then up at 6:45 AM!  Daddy’s boot camp has worked.  This household is much happier and RESTED.  Yay Desta!

Lately, Parenting has been a challenge for me.  I find myself looking at my children’s behavior and wondering, “Is this how I act?  Do they do this because they see it in me?”

There was an incident yesterday with a child of ours.  This child became very frustrated over some stuff of theirs, stuff that was shared (with my permission) with other children.  This child became a weepy mess, very upset and angry that their things were played with by others.  The reaction was not pretty.  It was very ugly.  We dealt with it.

I apologized for my part in the incident.  I should not have allowed these items to be played with by others without asking this child. BUT the bigger issue was the selfishness that I saw from this child.  It was big and ugly.

I’ve been thinking about this all night and now the morning.  I have seen the behavior more and more often with both my older children (Desta is all about the bottle, toys and her crib right now…her time will come…)  And frankly, I get sad. I wondered what I can do.  Do I act this way? I know my children copy what I do and say.

There are times I’d like to pack up my family and flee far away from this materialistic world we live in.  BUT then I remember that it is not only what’s around me that influences us, it’s what is in our hearts.  It would come right with us, maybe appear different (like sharing a coconut vs several toys) but it is still there.

I’m wondering, praying and searching myself.  As I remind Caroline and Tobin all the time, it takes hard work and perseverance to do something the right way.

PS  And just because she’s so darn cute, I had to post a photo of Desta in her “jogging” suit.  (She’s doing so great with her sleeping lately, thanks to Daddy’s boot camp.  Three hour nap yesterday mid morning and then up only ONCE last night.  Matthew, my husband, has been getting up with her and she’s finally getting the idea that maybe sleep is a good thing!)

While the description makes it seem innocently filled with mainly juice, don’t be deceived.  One very big Maria Rita margarita might not be the drink for you.

I am finding myself having to check my attitude several times a day.  When I want to boil over or just do it myself, I have to ask myself, “What do I want to accomplish in the long run?”

Yesterday I asked myself that question when Tobin, bless him, wanted to get the peanut butter crackers from the top shelf (I can reach it mommy,I can!)  There went my entire Costco size container of real vanilla.  On my new, almost white tile floor.  Everywhere.  He apologized and I sniffed while cleaning up $20 of one of my favorite things.  I had to ask myself, “What do I want to accomplish at this moment?”

I asked myself that question again when we were rolling out cookie dough for Caroline’s tea on Saturday.  Flour everywhere, dog and baby, little boy practicing taekwondo, all in my galley kitchen.  It would have been easier to just do it myself.  BUT, I asked myself, “What do I want to accomplish at this moment?”

And you know what, it was a rewarding day.  My kids had huge smiles on their faces because they helped. Tobin helped clean up the mess and smelled deliciously vanillay all day long.  Caroline, she gets to tell her friends that she made the cookies, by herself.

See, there was a lot of mess involved.  And frankly, it is easier for me to just do it.  Less messy, less work.  BUT when I allow my kids to learn and makes messes in the process, they enjoy it and remember it. 

I need to do this more often.  Let go and just enjoy my kids.

Yep, found the Johny Jumpup on Craig’s list. 

I can now bake while Desta dances, grabs and bounces to heart’s delight in my pantry.  It works people and right now, I need something that works!

I’m tired.  My throat hurts.  My stomach is off (AGAIN!)  I’m not just tired, I’m exhausted.

And when I get to this place, I am not an easy person to be around.

I am praying for a moment today to rest my head.  I am praying for a time to regroup within myself and be able to take care of three little people completely dependent on me today and a husband who is working so hard.

Today is a three pot coffee day.  Today is a bottle of Pepto Bismol day.  Today is a day.

I feel overrun by stuff right now.  Baby stuff everywhere. Toys and teething items everywhere.  Big kids toys, puzzles, craft supplies.  EVERYWHERE!

So I started with my closet.  My entire family comes to town next week, including my older sister.  I have some clothes that would look great on her, not so much on me.  That was my motivation.  Clean out the closet.

The more I cleaned, organized and sorted, the more disgusted with myself I got.  Really, who needs four white shirts?  How about three black tank tops?  And undergarments!  I was embarrassed that I have spent so much money and time getting these things.  It’s too much.  There were so many things that I got for a deal.  There were many things I purchased because I thought I deserved something nice.

I’m not saying that I shouldn’t shop.  But I did realize last night that I sometimes use things to help salve wounds that maybe a conversation would instead cure.

So I’m caught right now.  I want to live simply. And I don’t want to live in guilt.  Finding that balance is so hard.

I do know that next time I get the urge to shop, I will organize my closet instead.

On this snow day, I’ve had a few minutes to read some amazing blogs.  I came across this post and was blown away.  Talk about perspective.  Here is a family, all HIV positive who have adopted a little boy from Ethiopia, HIV positive as well. Their story is beyond inspirational.  Listening and reading has made me so aware of the MANY, MANY things in life that I take for granted.

Go here to read her whole blog. Take 5 minutes to watch their story.

Who doesn’t like free things?  Well, my bloggy friend and baby whisperer (yep, she’s got the magic) is giving away some good swag!  Head on over to her blog.  Take a gander.  It’s fun!